Someone at a party last weekend said to me, “You haven’t posted anything in while. What have you been working on?”
And it’s true. I’ve been in a very quiet place these past few months.
I actually struggle all the time with the very idea of this blog I’ve created. I only ever wanted to create a platform for opinion pieces, cultural observations and life experiences. I never wanted it to be a diary or journal of my daily thought train.
It would very boring though if the latter were the case—predictable even. Every entry these past few months, for example, would be a Ground Hog Day-like issuance on self-loathing—a wilting daisy chain of how I lament my inability to focus, berate myself for procrastinating, despise my distraction.
I have been plugging away though in the company of, “Olivia”, the protagonist in my novel (which sometimes feels like an albatross). I stand over myself everyday and try and crack the whip but admittedly, getting me to apply myself to the business of my book is like trying to get my kids out the door every morning on time.
We are a raging herd of turtles.
I’ve found though that writing (when I do write) isn’t enough anymore. I need to work with my hands too.
I play piano. I’m not great but I do it for myself. I’m far better in interpretation than I am in technique. Working through something unfamiliar like a new piece of music helps me wash away some of the “muddiness” in my head.
A friend tried to encourage me to open myself up to others and share what I do outside of writing—share me playing music. But the idea disquieted me.
Part of my hesitation is that this side of me is incredibly intimate and I feel like playing piano when it was just meant for me leaves me even more exposed, vulnerable even – like an online diary—the one I’d never intended to publish.
But often and certainly in this case, all limits are self-imposed. I see that now more than ever and that perhaps through music, I can establish a different type of connection with people who choose to “follow” me.
So (!) since my blog can be anything I want it to be and in absence of an actual essay right now, I’m sharing this video I made earlier this week. It’s a piece I learned a few years ago but just started playing again – A River Flows Through You, by Yiruma. It’s far from perfect but then again.. so am I.
Yes, it’s shows a different side of me and yes, it goes against what I thought I wanted this blog to be but I’m putting a new foot forward and opening myself up to new mediums of communication and connection. To change.
For as much as we initially rebel against change, what should scare us even more — is the thought of things staying exactly the same.
That was beautiful, Catherine.
beautifully written and beautifully played!
Lovely, took me away for a couple of minutes